Once upon a time, there was a little boy named Jimmy. Jimmy was a wonderful little boy, who possessed a wonderful singing voice, and enjoyed laughing and eating. Jimmy consumed a diet comprised entirely of fiber – fiber bars, bran flakes, whole wheat bread, apples and broccoli…lots and LOTS of broccoli. If, like the old adage says, you are what you eat, Jimmy would be a walking bran muffin. As a result of his high-fiber diet, Jimmy would fart…and fart…AND FART! He would fart in the van and in elevators, evoking winces from his fellow passengers. He would fart in his hotel room, engulfing his roommates in clouds of smelly air. He would fart in rehearsals and onstage, much to the chagrin of his fellow castmates. His farts ranged in sound from tentative squeaks to bugle-like calls to loud foghorns calling to lost ships in the night; and ranged in frequency from single peals to multiple shots in succession. Sometimes his tuba-sounding farts were so loud that they would awaken Jimmy from his slumber.
One day, Jimmy met a little witch who advised him that his gassy habits were not always welcome, but still giggled nevertheless upon hearing his flatulent calls. “Jimmy,” the little witch said, “I have a challenge for you. If you can make it through an entire day without passing gas, I will provide you with a handsome reward. However, if you fail and emit even one single noxious toot from your bottom, you must face the consequences.”
Jimmy reflected upon the witch’s challenge and asked, “What is the reward?” The witch replied, “Why that is easy…your favorite thing in the entire world…delicious phở soup whenever and wherever you want it. If you make it through one entire day without farting, I will give you this magic soup bowl that will fill with phở at your command. Wouldn’t you like that Jimmy?”
Jimmy nodded in agreement as phở was his favorite thing in the entire world. “Your challenge is easy, little witch,” Jimmy said, “I know that I will succeed.” The witch emitted a long, high-pitched laugh and warned Jimmy, “Remember, not one single toot, Jimmy. Fail and you must face the consequences.”
“What are the consequences?” Jimmy inquired. And the little witch laughed again, “You shall see Jimmy, you shall see. Let’s just say that they will be very fitting…are you up to my challenge?” Jimmy accepted the witch’s quest and smiled in satisfaction, knowing that there was no way that he could lose. “We shall begin tomorrow, Jimmy. Remember – not a single toot!”
The following day Jimmy woke up, eager to prove to the witch that he could manage to make it through one entire day without passing any gas. He proceeded to consume his usual diet of high-fiber foods – fiber bars, bran flakes, apples and broccoli…lots and LOTS of broccoli. Jimmy managed to make it through the first half of the day without a single fart. “Silly witch,” Jimmy said, “see how easy your task is…that phở bowl will be mine by tonight.”
A few more hours passed without a single squeak or toot…and then it happened. Jimmy felt a faint gurgle in his stomach, the sound of bubbles brewing. “Not a single toot – come on, Jimmy, you can do it!” As the day passed on, Jimmy grew hungry and consumed more fiber. His tummy growled and churned, intent on pushing out the gas created as a result of digesting his high-fiber diet. His belly rumbled in protestation and the pressure began to build in his intestines. Jimmy clenched and pinched, desperately trying to prevent the gas from escaping. Finally, the pressure of the gas was too much for Jimmy to bear. He had to fart and fart soon or else he would explode!
Hoping to dampen the sound of his impending fart and to fool the little witch, Jimmy searched for a body of water into which he could jump and fart. As he ran further and further, sharp gas pangs riddled his sides. He could bear it no longer. He found a small pond, jumped in and emitted the longest fart he had ever released in his life. He glanced over his shoulders, nervous that the witch might have heard him. Luckily, the water from the pond had muffled the sound of the fart and all that could be heard was the sound of bubbles percolating.
Jimmy smiled a grin of satisfaction, convinced that he had eluded the little witch and won his prize. But before he knew it, the little witch appeared and scolded him. “Jimmy,” she said, “you have failed my challenge. I warned you – not one single toot. Did you think I wouldn’t know that you had farted in the pond?”
“Um…yes?” Jimmy replied. And at that moment, in the pond water all around him, dozens of dead fish and frogs began to rise to the surface. Jimmy had killed the pond’s inhabitants with his flatulence. “I warned you, Jimmy,” the little witch said and raised her delicate, gnarled hand. In an instant, Jimmy was changed into a beetle…but not just any beetle…a stink beetle. A fitting consequence for a very flatulent little boy.
THE END
Until the next adventure...
Ciao!
XOXO-
Janine
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